My Crazy Confessions – Depression; it’s a bit sh1t.

Yea. What’s new? Let me explain. The other morning I literally wanted to walk into traffic. En route to work, I stood at the curb of a main route into Manchester and thought… “I could time this just right…not to die…just…”. (I didn’t, by the way. I’m not writing this from a hospital bed or anything.) Compare that to the very next day, where I felt sort of normal. Its hold on me isn’t suffocating. WTF depression? Literally a day’s difference?!

Now I don’t mean that it fleetingly changes day to day. For example, I’ve been battling this particular bout of depression a couple of weeks; just the Saturday before I confessed to my partner I felt I was drowning (see here for the treading water explanation ha). What I do mean, however, is that after weeks of feeling like I’m failing. Running Out. Flailing in the open waters desperately trying to survive with seemingly no end in sight, one day I can breathe. One day I have a bit of fight, a bit of energy. What used to take 3 spoons is now only taking 2, meaning I can sit in the lounge when I get home from work instead of climbing straight into bed at 7 pm and blocking the world out.

My depression is a series of peaks and troughs, and my journey out of troughs of always seem to start with a bump. As if some sort of veil is lifted and I can start see properly. Like putting you glasses back on ha. As I’m sure many people and attest to, it’s a slippery slope into the pits of depression. A helter skelter downward that is smooth but quick. Getting out of the trough is a hike. A sheer climb that rarely runs smoothly. Maybe the worst day, what feels like the lowest of the low, is actually that first big step up again?  Who knows.

Try to remember, We’re all mad here.

Katie B x

  • Samaritans (116 123) operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you’re feeling, or if you’re worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org.
  • Childline (0800 1111) runs a helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number won’t show up on your phone bill.
  • PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) is a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
  • Depression Alliance is a charity for people with depression. It doesn’t have a helpline, but offers a wide range of useful resources and links to other relevant information.
  • Students Against Depression is a website for students who are depressed, have a low mood or are having suicidal thoughts.
  • Bullying UK is a website for both children and adults affected by bullying.

 

 

 

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My Crazy Confessions – Anxiety

Why hello there!

So, here the therapy begins. A diary. A journal. (Feeling very Dr. Watson.) I wanted to start writing my experiences with mental issues as the one thing I’ve learnt in the past year or so, is that more people than you think live with some sort of “condition of the mind”, so to speak. Yet given the statistics regarding mental health, the stigma still stands. So screw the system. Down with the Stigma. Here we go.

I myself have an interesting combination of Anxiety, Stress, and Depression. Usually in that order, too, if I’m honest ha. What makes me a wonderful empath also makes me a nervous wreck. I think; more often than not far too much. Admittedly it has it’s uses. It creates a compassion in me that many admire, a way of seeing varying perspectives, stuff like that. However what it also does it scare me into submission.  Rule my life with an Iron Fist of fear, worry, and embarrassment. What I am most terrified of is being misunderstood by those in my life – my family, my partner, my boss, my peers. Those who are closest to me who you’d imagine I’d be most comfortable around are actually the people my anxiety targets.  I can, most often, fake it to the masses. To Joe Blogg on the street. I can smile, and wax lyrical, and tell the guy selling  Sky TV I’m running late for the train. But to the people who are close to me, the people I feel I owe, I crumble. Go weak at the knees.

I’ve learnt really that many of my Characteristics are actually symptoms. Many that I’ve had for years and not realized. Like always being ‘on the go’. Always working on something, projects everywhere. Which in and of itself isn’t a bad thing, but it’s like anxiety has creeped in to my life, taken my Characteristics and turned them up to 11. To the point where I start to wear myself out. My plate spinning act has too many plates and things start to wobble (Here is usually where the Stress kicks in, but that’s another post for another day). So you rain check the coffee with your bestie from Uni you haven’t seen in years, or tea with your parents.

“What if they think I’m blagging it?”

“What if they think I just can’t be bothered?”

Familiar? Then comes the feeling of self loathing and hatred for being a shit person. Oh the joys.

Then there’s work!

“What if the boss doesn’t believe the train was really late!”

“What if I’m not as good as I think I am?”

“Boss called a one on one meeting?! a.k.a. Your dismissal. They’ve figured you out. You’re gone.”

That stomach in throat feeling when the boss asks “can I borrow you for a minute?” Bleugh! Nausea inducing.

Then you try to apply logic and rational thought to it. Yea we’ve all tried haven’t we ha. It works eventually, but it takes time and practice.

 So what’s the point of these ramblings? These confessions, of sorts. Well, firstly I find vocalizing or externalizing these inner turmoils makes them seem as un-probable and silly as they really are. Keeping them inside spirals and they become very real, big monsters that envelope all they see. Also, the past year I’ve learnt that a lot of people suffer with “conditions of the mind” so to speak. To read other’s experiences helps validate your own, I find. Particularly when you read something that you yourself do and you get that feeling of relief wash over you; “I’m not alone!”

Just remember, you’re worth the time. We’re All Mad Here..,.

Katie B xx

  • Samaritans (116 123) operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you’re feeling, or if you’re worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org.
  • Childline (0800 1111) runs a helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number won’t show up on your phone bill.
  • PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) is a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
  • Depression Alliance is a charity for people with depression. It doesn’t have a helpline, but offers a wide range of useful resources and links to other relevant information.
  • Students Against Depression is a website for students who are depressed, have a low mood or are having suicidal thoughts.
  • Bullying UK is a website for both children and adults affected by bullying.