Yea. What’s new? Let me explain. The other morning I literally wanted to walk into traffic. En route to work, I stood at the curb of a main route into Manchester and thought… “I could time this just right…not to die…just…”. (I didn’t, by the way. I’m not writing this from a hospital bed or anything.) Compare that to the very next day, where I felt sort of normal. Its hold on me isn’t suffocating. WTF depression? Literally a day’s difference?!
Now I don’t mean that it fleetingly changes day to day. For example, I’ve been battling this particular bout of depression a couple of weeks; just the Saturday before I confessed to my partner I felt I was drowning (see here for the treading water explanation ha). What I do mean, however, is that after weeks of feeling like I’m failing. Running Out. Flailing in the open waters desperately trying to survive with seemingly no end in sight, one day I can breathe. One day I have a bit of fight, a bit of energy. What used to take 3 spoons is now only taking 2, meaning I can sit in the lounge when I get home from work instead of climbing straight into bed at 7 pm and blocking the world out.
My depression is a series of peaks and troughs, and my journey out of troughs of always seem to start with a bump. As if some sort of veil is lifted and I can start see properly. Like putting you glasses back on ha. As I’m sure many people and attest to, it’s a slippery slope into the pits of depression. A helter skelter downward that is smooth but quick. Getting out of the trough is a hike. A sheer climb that rarely runs smoothly. Maybe the worst day, what feels like the lowest of the low, is actually that first big step up again? Who knows.
Try to remember, We’re all mad here.
Katie B x
- Samaritans (116 123) operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you’re feeling, or if you’re worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at email@example.com.
- Childline (0800 1111) runs a helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number won’t show up on your phone bill.
- PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) is a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
- Depression Alliance is a charity for people with depression. It doesn’t have a helpline, but offers a wide range of useful resources and links to other relevant information.
- Students Against Depression is a website for students who are depressed, have a low mood or are having suicidal thoughts.
- Bullying UK is a website for both children and adults affected by bullying.